A Note to Parents of LGBTQ+ and Questioning Kids…
Hello and welcome parents! You did an amazing thing by bringing a tiny human being into this world, and if you happen to be lucky enough to have a LGBTQ+ child then read on. As a parent, do you think your child may be LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Gender Diverse, Queer) or questioning? Have you been curious about what some of these terms mean, and if your child “really is” Gay/Bi/Trans/Queer/Gender diverse? These and other important questions are entirely understandable to have! Your first question may be “What the %&#@ do I do now?”
Great question by the way!
Before we get to that amazing question of what now, first and foremost, Way to go! Asking how you can help and what can you learn is a big first step in supporting your kid to be their best selves. I'm glad you found this post and I hope it can offer a few bits of information. First, until your child comes out and shares with you that they are LGBTQ+, you can’t know for certain if they are. Although, for LGBTQ+ folks, and for young kids especially, the coming out process can be an incredibly personal, private, painful and scary time. If your child has not shared their identity to you (also known as coming out) you may have suspicions that your child is not straight and/or they are gender diverse. You may believe your child’s appearance, relationships or other indications might mean your child is LGBTQ+ before they come out to you. If this is the case, you can be a supportive parent by encouraging your child to be themselves and letting them know you love them no matter what. For kids, putting pressure or “forcing” them to come out may not be what they need or feel safe doing. Try not to take it personally that your child isn’t open with you, the upside is they may feel more comfortable sharing their identity with others.
If your child has shared with you that they identify as LGBTQ+, you have a really strong, resilient and brave kid. Having a child come out to you can be an expected or unexpected experience, and for many parents this coming out process can be surprising and painful. Your child will remember how you made them feel during this time for the rest of their lives. No pressure right?! Families won’t necessarily get things right the first time, and mistakes can and often do happen. What is most important is that you come alongside your child and respect, support and love them for who they are. But, many parents struggle to do so. If you are struggling to accept your child’s identity, don’t believe they “really are” LGBTQ+, or have beliefs and values that state being LGBTQ+ is immoral or unnatural, please read on.
The following my be difficult to read, for stuck parents this message is for you.
Kids who begin to discover and share parts of themselves and identity with you are bravely showing you who they really are. They are not joking, betraying you or lying to you. LGBTQ+ kids are not “too young to know” and are not “different” or more influenceable than older generations. Kids today are understanding who they are earlier in life (amazing!). Studies in the 1970’s found the average age of LGBTQ+ people coming out was in their early twenties, the latest research shows that the average age has dropped to anywhere between 14 and 16. San Francisco State University’s Family Acceptance Project found that the average age of coming out was a little over 13 years old, and that age is dropping down even more. A question I get from parents often is questioning if social media/internet use is “making” or influencing children to become LGBTQ+, particularly TikTok. Answer: (supported by research) No. Amit Paley, the CEO of the Trevor Project, an organization that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth states “We see a lot of examples where, on TikTok, LGBTQ+ youth are getting support. And that is so important because there are many LGBTQ+ youth in this country who are not able to get support where they physically are.” So, I’m happy to break the news parents, it’s not a phase. For you, the adult in the family and as a parent, there will be times when your children will need you to step up in a big way. You will need to come on board and be open to changes. As your child looks inwards, YOU have also been tasked with a journey to (re)discover your self as a parent. What an opportunity! What a cool time! Here are a few goals to think about and work towards.
Send love in. Share love and support for your child, to your child. Tell them they matter and are loved for who they are. Send stress, fears, comparisons, anger, hurts…out, as in share with a therapist, support group or other healthy outlet. Even sharing these pains with your spouse/other parent/co-parent or other caregivers of your child isn’t the best option to unload these emotions to. It’s not fair to them or your child either. Ultimately, work on and send these feelings and hurts elsewhere, not your kid. Ever.
Your children are not responsible for your feelings, you are. You are the adult and are in charge of your feelings, thoughts and experience. Yes, having a child come out and share their identity may mean real changes you will have to make in your life. It may feel strange or new, and might not be what you expected. But, loving and supporting your kid as they are is most important! Learn, ask questions, apologize if you slip up. Getting used to name changes and/or the importance of pronouns can take some getting used to, but honouring your child’s identity is essential. If you feel the need to share how difficult these changes are for you, refer to goal 1.
If you are pained or betrayed with the “loss” of a child, feeling that you may have lost who you believed or wanted your child to be, you have some work to do. Your child does not need fixing, nor do they need to hide or change things about themselves so you can be comfortable. The work needed is work on yourself.
Therapy! It should be noted that being LGBTQ+ is not a mental illness, nor does it require therapy, but it can be very helpful if your child is struggling. Let’s zoom in on two types of therapy, conversion therapy and affirming therapy. Conversion therapy refers to any of several harmful and discredited practices aimed at changing an individual’s sexual orientation or gender identity. According to The Trevor Project’s 2020 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, youth who reported undergoing conversion therapy reported more than twice the rate of attempting suicide in the past year compared to those who did not. Parents: it doesn’t work and it’s harmful. Affirming therapy embraces a positive view of LGBTQ+ identities and relationships and addresses the negative influences that homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism have on the lives of clients. Affirming therapy states that being LGBTQ+ is not the problem, nor a mental illness, and recognizes that minority stressors can contribute to, and put LGBTQ+ folks more at risk for substance/mental health concerns. Parents: affirming therapy is supported by research, and it is found to be very helpful. Pick this one!
Check in on your child. Be aware of any signs or symptoms that may indicate a need for mental health support in your child such as anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. For more information and what to watch out for, review these danger signs. If you feel that your kid could use some support, share this concern with them and seek out an affirming therapist together.
What’s at stake: Kids do better with loving, attuned, predictable and consistent family support. Period. Queer kids need this more so. There is incredible value for LGBTQ+ youth in finding even a single person who can support them, whether that’s online or in their physical community. According to research by the Trevor Project, having one accepting person in an LGBTQ+ person’s life can reduce the risk of suicide by 40 percent. So, whatever dark and difficult emotions you feel, ultimately as a parent you need to understand that the journey is more difficult for your child. If you feel stuck or unable to come alongside your child, be aware that your stuck points are yours alone, not your kid’s. Seek support from a trained and licensed therapist for yourself and your child during this time if you or they are struggling. You don’t have to go through the process alone.
PS. If you are a LGBTQ+ child/adult reading this, I hope this post was helpful. I see you. You matter, your voice matters and you are worthy of love and belonging. Onwards.
-WB