A Note to Parents of LGBTQ+ and Questioning Kids…

Hello and welcome parents! You did an amazing thing by bringing a tiny human being into this world, and if you happen to be lucky enough to have a LGBTQ+ child then read on. As a parent, do you think your child may be LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Gender Diverse, Queer) or questioning? Have you been curious about what some of these terms mean, and if your child “really is” Gay/Bi/Trans/Queer/Gender diverse? These and other important questions are entirely understandable to have! Your first question may be “What the %&#@ do I do now?”

Great question by the way!

Before we get to that amazing question of what now, first and foremost, Way to go! Asking how you can help and what can you learn is a big first step in supporting your kid to be their best selves. I'm glad you found this post and I hope it can offer a few bits of information. First, until your child comes out and shares with you that they are LGBTQ+, you can’t know for certain if they are. Although, for LGBTQ+ folks, and for young kids especially, the coming out process can be an incredibly personal, private, painful and scary time. If your child has not shared their identity to you (also known as coming out) you may have suspicions that your child is not straight and/or they are gender diverse. You may believe your child’s appearance, relationships or other indications might mean your child is LGBTQ+ before they come out to you. If this is the case, you can be a supportive parent by encouraging your child to be themselves and letting them know you love them no matter what. For kids, putting pressure or “forcing” them to come out may not be what they need or feel safe doing. Try not to take it personally that your child isn’t open with you, the upside is they may feel more comfortable sharing their identity with others.

If your child has shared with you that they identify as LGBTQ+, you have a really strong, resilient and brave kid. Having a child come out to you can be an expected or unexpected experience, and for many parents this coming out process can be surprising and painful. Your child will remember how you made them feel during this time for the rest of their lives. No pressure right?! Families won’t necessarily get things right the first time, and mistakes can and often do happen. What is most important is that you come alongside your child and respect, support and love them for who they are. But, many parents struggle to do so. If you are struggling to accept your child’s identity, don’t believe they “really are” LGBTQ+, or have beliefs and values that state being LGBTQ+ is immoral or unnatural, please read on.

The following my be difficult to read, for stuck parents this message is for you. 

Kids who begin to discover and share parts of themselves and identity with you are bravely showing you who they really are. They are not joking, betraying you or lying to you. LGBTQ+ kids are not “too young to know” and are not “different” or more influenceable than older generations. Kids today are understanding who they are earlier in life (amazing!). Studies in the 1970’s found the average age of LGBTQ+ people coming out was in their early twenties, the latest research shows that the average age has dropped to anywhere between 14 and 16. San Francisco State University’s Family Acceptance Project found that the average age of coming out was a little over 13 years old, and that age is dropping down even more. A question I get from parents often is questioning if social media/internet use is “making” or influencing children to become LGBTQ+, particularly TikTok. Answer: (supported by research) No. Amit Paley, the CEO of the Trevor Project, an organization that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth states “We see a lot of examples where, on TikTok, LGBTQ+ youth are getting support. And that is so important because there are many LGBTQ+ youth in this country who are not able to get support where they physically are.” So, I’m happy to break the news parents, it’s not a phase. For you, the adult in the family and as a parent, there will be times when your children will need you to step up in a big way. You will need to come on board and be open to changes. As your child looks inwards, YOU have also been tasked with a journey to (re)discover your self as a parent. What an opportunity! What a cool time! Here are a few goals to think about and work towards.

1. Send love in. Share love and support for your child, to your child. Tell them they matter and are loved for who they are. Send stress, fears, comparisons, anger, hurts…out, as in share with a therapist, support group or other healthy outlet. Even sharing these pains with your spouse/other parent/co-parent or other caregivers of your child isn’t the best option to unload these emotions to. It’s not fair to them or your child either. Ultimately, work on and send these feelings and hurts elsewhere, not your kid. Ever.

2. Your children are not responsible for your feelings, you are. You are the adult and are in charge of your feelings, thoughts and experience. Yes, having a child come out and share their identity may mean real changes you will have to make in your life. It may feel strange or new, and might not be what you expected. But, loving and supporting your kid as they are is most important! Learn, ask questions, apologize if you slip up. Getting used to name changes and/or the importance of pronouns can take some getting used to, but honouring your child’s identity is essential. If you feel the need to share how difficult these changes are for you, refer to goal 1.

3. If you are pained or betrayed with the “loss” of a child, feeling that you may have lost who you believed or wanted your child to be, you have some work to do. Your child does not need fixing, nor do they need to hide or change things about themselves so you can be comfortable. The work needed is work on yourself. 

4. Therapy! It should be noted that being LGBTQ+ is not a mental illness, nor does it require therapy, but it can be very helpful if your child is struggling. Let’s zoom in on two types of therapy, conversion therapy and affirming therapy. Conversion therapy refers to any of several harmful and discredited practices aimed at changing an individual’s sexual orientation or gender identity. According to The Trevor Project’s 2020 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, youth who reported undergoing conversion therapy reported more than twice the rate of attempting suicide in the past year compared to those who did not. Parents: it doesn’t work and it’s harmful. Affirming therapy embraces a positive view of LGBTQ+ identities and relationships and addresses the negative influences that homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism have on the lives of clients. Affirming therapy states that being LGBTQ+ is not the problem, nor a mental illness, and recognizes that minority stressors can contribute to, and put LGBTQ+ folks more at risk for substance/mental health concerns. Parents: affirming therapy is supported by research, and it is found to be very helpful. Pick this one!

5. Check in on your child. Be aware of any signs or symptoms that may indicate a need for mental health support in your child such as anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. For more information and what to watch out for, review these danger signs. If you feel that your kid could use some support, share this concern with them and seek out an affirming therapist together.

What’s at stake: Kids do better with loving, attuned, predictable and consistent family support. Period. Queer kids need this more so. There is incredible value for LGBTQ+ youth in finding even a single person who can support them, whether that’s online or in their physical community. According to research by the Trevor Project, having one accepting person in an LGBTQ+ person’s life can reduce the risk of suicide by 40 percent. So, whatever dark and difficult emotions you feel, ultimately as a parent you need to understand that the journey is more difficult for your child. If you feel stuck or unable to come alongside your child, be aware that your stuck points are yours alone, not your kid’s. Seek support from a trained and licensed therapist for yourself and your child during this time if you or they are struggling. You don’t have to go through the process alone.  

PS. If you are a LGBTQ+ child/adult reading this, I hope this post was helpful. I see you. You matter, your voice matters and you are worthy of love and belonging. Onwards.

-WB

Why is Therapy So Expensive?

I thought it would be fitting to kick off a blog full of therapy thoughts and musings with a question that has been with me since the beginning, when I first considered becoming a psychologist. So welcome, and thanks for reading! I first wondered what makes therapy so expensive years ago when I began my undergraduate education to become a therapist. My university programs strongly recommended attending personal therapy while attending school. Many institutions encourage this, and I do believe that it is really helpful. But wait! What the…who can afford therapy!? (Asked the therapist in training…) I pictured only the fanciest people with very expensive problems having the means for serious work. Your therapist is with you (in human or virtual form) for an hour-ish. Sometimes once a week or more if needed, sometimes less. Yay. For an hour worth of “listening” what is so special about the therapist that comes with a big price tag? The entirety of what goes into that hour is so much more than I ever could have imagined. I hope what I have learned and experienced can help unpack what you truly are paying for when you hire a psychologist. Because money is expensive! Let’s start from the beginning.

To begin the process to become a psychologist, it’s back to school to get an undergraduate degree. Some folks may need additional coursework or upgrading to be eligible for post secondary enrolment so there may be classes before undergrad classes ever begin. Then, the undergrad adventure. Books, exams, supplies, tuition, late nights, paper writing, extra large coffees, plenty of time and energy. There are unpaid counselling internship hours required (hundreds, mine totalled over 800 in undergrad alone), and depending on the program there are countless face to face hours of learning, growing and training, for years. During my studies, I had counselling theory and training courses where I would record myself in a therapy session, and then very uncomfortably and painfully examine and transcribe everything I said and did. What theory was that intervention? What did I miss there in the client’s subtext and tone? Was that even a question I asked?! Feedback and supervision became an integral component of my practice. At last, an undergrad degree is complete! At this point we are less than half way there?! A masters degree is required in Alberta to become a psychologist, so next up is 2-3 more years of similar training, although dial up the intensity, difficulty and add in a thesis if you like. Phew.

School, check, now…registration. To become registered with the College of Alberta Psychologists, there is a very lengthy process to complete to be able to use the title Registered Psychologist. If you are curious about the details of the process, feel free to read more here. But this is the short version: have the right type and levels of coursework, the right credit count, and then complete background checks, supervision (107 hours) and practice hours (1600 hours) after your post secondary education. Also there are 2 (soon to be 3) very important and very challenging ethics and knowledge exams to pass. All of this education, training, supervision and oversight is to ensure your psychologist is ethical, professional and competent. Your therapist needs to be able to get into the tough stuff with you while knowing when to slow down and check in. They have serious power in the relationship and work with individuals at vulnerable times in their lives. They need to be present, attuned and boundaried.

But sure, lots of professionals have post secondary education, why is does a therapist hand you a big bill after seeing you? If you are not a Kardashian, a royal family or crypto tycoon it is understandable to be intentional when spending $200. Or you may want to spend it on good stuff. I mean, for $200 or less you can have some of these fun items! Headphones, art, technology and fitness fun. There is some seriously good stuff in here, and many of these items will bring value/fun/pleasure into your life. This is a key point here, what do you get in return when you exchange money for something? Going one level deeper, often obtaining money requires exchanging a more valuable resource…your time exchanged for earning money. What are you getting in return for your time? When I make financial decisions, I like have a sense of what I am getting in return for my spending, or what my return on investment is. Hopefully something of value. Does spending money on a fancy dinner give you something in return for your investment? Hopefully, if the food is delish, feeds your brain and your body with nourishment and experience is great! But, is spending money on that new handbag a good investment if you use it once? Maybe less so. Another example is buying a new mattress for your bed. Up front a new Casper or similar queen mattress in a box can set you back $850. But, improved sleep for 6-8-ish hours a night (1/3 of your life basically) on an item that your entire face and body literally uses all of every night, your cost per use is minimal and return on investment is huge. Ultimately, can you even put a price tag on being a consistently well rested human? Side note/Sleep Hack: upgrade your mattress if you can, it’s a gamechanger.

What have you spent $200, $1000, $5000 on recently? What value did it add to your life?

Let’s try and add up the cost of mental health, using depression as an example. Because of its high prevalence, lengthy duration, and associated morbidity, depression is found to have the greatest “cost” of all mental illnesses: It is a leading cause of disability and excess mortality in Canada. Depressive symptoms are also associated with chronic co-morbidities including diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, asthma, back pain, chronic bronchitis, hypertension, and migraines. What can depression cost an Albertan? A 2012 study of Alberta patients who had at least one health-care visit for depression had direct costs associated with depression averaging $550 per patient but reaching as high as $25,826 in the top 1% of the cohort. Basically the cost of depression can vary, from $550 on the low end, to almost $26,000 on the high end! The cost can include medications, missed work, health services utilized, relationships, disability claims, and impaired functioning in other areas of life. Thinking financially, what can a therapy term of 10 sessions totalling $2000 actually save you in the long term? Better relationships, better coping skills, improved sleep and overall health? Not a bad deal.

One more point. Your therapist is with you for a minute it feels like, but a solid and skilled therapist will prep for each of your sessions by reading, reviewing notes and researching relevant information. Hours can be spent researching and learning and consulting with other psychologists to give a 5 minute intervention in the therapy room. Recently I listened to a podcast (No Stupid Questions) where the hosts were discussing the term Post Traumatic Growth or PTG. This fit for a client of mine, and all my clients really! This snowballed into hours of reading and digging more into PTG, presenting and discussing with colleagues. Hours of a process outside of the therapy office condensed into sharing with a client about this for a few minutes. I hope it helped.

So, is therapy worth the price tag? I think so. I may be biased as a therapist, but overall health and well being are the biggest ticket items in our lives. We only have one body, so prioritizing and taking care of our inner world and outer self allows us to enjoy more of the ride.

-WB

*Note that training and backgrounds will be different for social workers, certified counsellors and other helping professionals. This is great, the different training and educational backgrounds allow for a diversity of therapists in this field. We need this!

References: Slomp, M, Jacobs, P, Ohinmaa, A, et al., 2012. The distribution of mental health service costs for depression in the Alberta population. Can J Psychiatry. 57(9):564–569.